tenderhooks

feeling self-ish

2005-01-06T18:59:00.000Z

As ever, there are a number of things worrying me at the moment. Of these, several have to with the growing realisation that I am now fully embarked upon a course which involves losing sections of what makes me, well, me.

Specifically, how will I, as a mother, retain what I currently think is important about my sense of self? How do mothers retain their mental and physical independence, intelligence, sense of whimsy, their own child-like feelings - not to mention their attractiveness - in the face of all that motherhood entails? Will anyone ever look at me and see just me again, or will I become an appendage to something else - a growing and demanding tornado of human flesh and desires?

Quite commonplace self-ish worries, as you can see.

The husband says, phooey. He suggests that we should all be looking at ways to abandon self anyway, since it's simply a rather tired and confusing encumbrance in a modern rational world, and anyway, I should give the new self a chance - I might find I liked it and I might not find the bits of me I think important so important anymore. (I don't think he quite said any of that actually, but, for the purposes of argument, let's just believe he did - someone needed to.)

I do accept that being a mother will change me, but today I'm feeling selfish and just concerned about which bits will get the chop. What if I want the old bits back? And, maybe even more scary, what if I don't want them back and actively embrace their being subsumed into 'The Mother'?

And while I do know that fathers change too, there's no getting away from the fact that they're just not so physically involved. They're genetically programmed to behave differently - perhaps in ways that are more, not less self-ish. (Which is not to say that all flavours of human, male or female, can't and don't resist their programming, when they wish, if they wish.)

Becoming a mother isn't like re-inventing yourself in ways we might have done when we were younger - by deciding to wear bright colours occasionally instead of black, or by ensuring you are seen reading important existentialist tomes in a serious manner. From the ledge where I'm currently standing it feels more like being given a new identity when you've testified against the Mob.

I exaggerate for effect, of course, but perhaps you get my point? Don't worry, tomorrow I'll be worrying about something else.

week 14

2004-12-30T19:46:00.000Z

Here we are, almost at the end of a year speckled with the usual ups and downs, like most years. How will 2005 turn out? Still full of ups and downs, I'm guessing, but in different measures.

One of the ups of the year was that in the last few days, two good friends had their baby, a little early. Welcome to the world little Alex - keep on doing the unexpected throughout your life and you'll do fine.

So how's our little one proceeding? The fact of the week is that he may start growing a moustache this week - and eyebrows. And taste buds. Right now, I'm betting he's enjoying that white Rioja.

good things about being pregnant - No 3

2004-12-30T19:38:00.000Z

One small glass of wine tastes soooo good when you haven't had any for months. Especially when it's a really nice white Rioja. Mmmm.

Universe not past it

2004-12-22T18:20:00.000Z

Apparently many astronomers thought that the Universe was too old to have kids - having gone through a kind of 'cosmic menopause'. But, no, it's confounded them. NASA thinks it has found evidence of newborn galaxies just 100 million years old.

Now, aint that cute?

one down, two to go

2004-12-22T10:42:00.000Z

So, that's the first trimester out of the way then. Only another 30-odd weeks to go. Ohmygod. That's both a very long time and not long enough by far.

Husband and I had a frank talk about how scared we are about the whole thing when we went for the scan the other day. What kind of people are we going to be post-July? It's not just 'will we be good parents?' - although that's pretty high on the list - it's also all the selfish thoughts that go with it, like 'will we ever have a decent holiday again?'

We've also just found out that another set of friends is pregnant, bringing the number of expected arrivals among our friends next year to 6, including one set of twins (way to go S!). And there's time for more. Which brings up the other selfish question which is 'will we ever see our fellow be-babied friends again?' I'm sure we will, but, heck, there goes the spare bedroom for many people! This is not to mention our un-encumbered friends... will they ever dare to set foot in our home, running the gauntlet of toys and nappies and midnight yells?

Anyway, from now on the hormones are supposed to kick right in and make me feel great. Which I don't believe, but I'm daft enough to be looking forward to it anyway. Out go icky mornings, in comes 'blooming' and all that jazz.

By the way, when I say 'scared' I also mean 'excited'. Like on a rollercoaster. I never liked rollercoasters much before, but I'm getting used to this one.

definitely there

2004-12-20T18:06:00.000Z

it's a baby

Looking grainy and only really visible if you squint and turn your head sideways... but definitely there. She was actually quite comfily doing a headstand like some kind of yogi, but the doctor couldn't do his thing with her that way so had to use a different view which unfortunately isn't so clear.

She looks like her daddy at the moment although the books do say the body will catch up with the head over the coming weeks...

She moves - waves her arms and kicks and everything. Aaaah.

And the risk of Down's is somewhere over the 1 in 2500 mark, which is all fine and lovely.

thank God you're here, Thermo-Nuclear Energy Baby

2004-12-19T06:13:00.000Z

This is the weekend upon which the central heating has decided to pack up. And it's currently snowing. Luckily I have a small nuclear reactor inside me and it is managing to keep both me and husband warm in bed. That's some feat for something the size of a chipolata.

Now if we could just rig my stomach up to the boiler...

week 12

2004-12-14T14:47:00.000Z

He'll be about 6cm long and all major parts will be in place by the end of this week, according to my book - fingers, toenails, tooth buds, genitals.

From now on he'll just be spending his days exercising and growing. Inside me. How strange is that?

preoccupied and her pot belly

2004-12-14T14:31:00.000Z

I've been thinking about non-baby things recently such as Christmas, work (or the absence of it), and other people. It's been fine, but I have neglected this blog.

So, what's happened? I've had my first encounter with a midwife. Very nice she was too, seemed efficient and pressed the right buttons. She weighed and measured, prodded a little, took large quantities of blood and accepted my urine sample with glee. All seems ok so far, test results in a week or so. Next visit at 16 weeks.

The Nuchal scan is fast approaching - next Monday. I'm a little nervous, but I think that's normal.

And, perhaps tempting fate ahead of that, we have told a lot of people now - and had some lovely reactions. Thanks everybody for your good wishes and congratulations and offers of goodies of all kinds. It's all going to be interesting.

Oh and my pot belly defnitely now has a curve that is not as it used to be. It starts lower down and ends further up. I know that this is mostly due to my (increasingly demanding) stomach, but I'm clinging to the belief that some of it is also a strawberry-sized proto-person.

all in darkness

2004-11-30T17:04:00.000Z

I've just had the most infuriating visit to my mum. Nothing to do with her at all, she was sweetness and light, and covered in crumbs from multiple biscuits.

No, we were having a quiet sit when the - I have to assume - lay pastor who conducts services at the care home once a fortnight turned up. Although I groaned internally, I have no problem with his leading a singalong and doing a bit of a reading - the old dears actually seem to enjoy it, and anything that gets them going has got to be good. It was his sermon that left me fuming. He took as his text 'we are born into darkness and into darkness we shall go' - I don't know the exact Biblical reference I'm afraid. And his thesis was that we are all born sinners. His proof - I quote: "Have you noticed that you never have to teach a child to be naughty? but you do have to teach them to be good..."

There's so much misunderstanding of everything here that I would not even be sure where to start refuting his argument (and it would be hardly worth doing so to his face of course). And of course, most of the residents took no notice of him at all. But oh, it did make me mad.

Week 10 - the foetus

2004-11-30T11:04:00.000Z

Now that I'm in Week 10, or 9 weeks and whatever days, my book tells me that I can call the baby a foetus. Before, she was an embryo - major organs still under construction. This week, all the fundamentals should be there. It's just growing from now on.

Which might explain why I'm so damn hungry all the time.

cord blood donation

2004-11-29T07:29:00.000Z

My pack from the GP included a form giving information about how and why I might want to donate cord blood for an evaluation project into the use of cord blood stem cells for transplantation into unrelated donors.

Yesterday I read this item on the BBC site which reports on the results of a project in the States suggesting that cord blood is just as effective as slightly mismatched bone marrow when used to treat unrelated adults with leukaemia.

Since I don't plan to cook and eat my placenta, this seems a very valuable use for it.

my Chairman Mao baby

2004-11-27T09:19:00.000Z

I think I may be missing some kind of essential baby gene. I have not yet found myself going gooey over ickle baby vests or teeny weeny socks. When I go into a toyshop, my main thought is, 'how do I do what I have to do in here and get out as quickly as possible?' Do you think this inability to 'baby shop' will make me a bad mum? Or is it a skill that develops over time?

My idea of perfect baby clothes at the moment is 3 little Chairman Mao-style grey all-in-one romper suits. They will hang in a cupboard neatly. They will be far too big for baby for about 3 months and then too small for another 3. My Chairman Mao baby will have one on, one in the wash and one somewhere else along the chain. Who could need more?

And what about toys for this joyless child, deprived of bunny motifs and 'Little Princess' t-shirts? you cry. Chairman Mao baby will play with little red blocks, of course.

heartbeats

2004-11-26T13:19:00.000Z

We went for a dating scan yesterday. The first thing the sonographer told me was that I had one of the fullest bladders she had ever seen. I had followed the instructions to the letter - 2 pints of water 90 minutes before the appointment and no going to the toilet. Apparently they get a better view if your bladder's full. In fact, my bladder was actually obscuring the view and she told me to go away, 'half-empty', and come back. Oh, the relief! I could then actually look at the pictures with interest and without clenched everything.

And what we saw was a strong and very visible heartbeat in a small kidney bean shaped object. It's 18mm long and it's got a heart. Husband says he saw arms and legs, but this might have been wishful thinking.

My dates have gone backwards slightly. The scan makes it 8 weeks 5 days today, putting me in Week 9 about 3 or 4 days adrift from my original estimate, neither here nor there really.

It's really there and it's alive. How amazing is that?

red meat

2004-11-23T08:31:00.000Z

I forgot to mention the cravings. Not for anything as exciting as peanut butter and gherkins. It's just very noticeable at the moment that I will want or not want a certain kind of food quite badly. I have had a large bar of Cadbury's whole nut chocolate sitting in the fridge for over a week now. Every day I look at it and think, nope. A few weeks ago, I was nibbling cheese like there was no cheese tomorrow. At the moment, the thought of a nice bit of Wensleydale makes me feel faintly ill.

Anyway, today, I really want red meat. I haven't had any for about 2 weeks. It will have to be steak, and I will have to go down the road to the butcher to get it. It will be worth it.

feeling not quite normal

2004-11-23T08:09:00.000Z

Even though at the moment I can still worry quite effectively that I'm not in fact pregnant and that this is soon to be discovered - when I think about it, I certainly don't feel quite normal. In order that I don't forget this, I thought I'd record these 'not quite normal' feelings.

So, firstly, I still get very tired. This is a demanding sort of tiredness. It sits up and says 'you will go to bed', rather than 'oooh, I bet you fancy an early night.'

Secondly, there's the peeing. Even if I haven't been drinking the regulation 2 litres a day, I still have to get up at least once in the night - which makes me feel a bit like an old lady. Unfortunately, the time I usually have to get up is around 3 or 4am, sometimes making it rather difficult to slip back into sleep easily. So that's when I do a little light worrying, and my pelvic floor exercises.

Thirdly. Nausea. It comes and goes and is there at a very low level for about 50% of the time although it is not usually particularly troublesome. For me it's connected to hunger. Hunger compounds nausea and makes it feel a lot worse than it is, I think. If I eat something (doesn't have to be much - a cracker, an apple) I usually feel instantly better. I do get hungry more often as well.

Fourth, a feeling of tightness or stretchedness below the stomach. (Sometimes also in the stomach - wind is a very unromantic side effect of pregnancy.) When you think about it, you can definitely tell there's something going on in there. This is particularly the case at night when I'm lying on my side. I have taken to hugging a cushion since the husband is too bony for extended use - and this helps.

And this is the extent of my symptoms at the moment. If I didn't know that I was pregnant, I might think that I had an overly long bout of wind and I'd probably be mainlining Deflatine by now.

winter wonderland

2004-11-22T10:16:00.000Z

We spent the weekend in the Peak District with a bunch of friends - and strangers who we didn't know on Friday but who all turned out to be lovely. Saturday was a glorious day and we had the very un-English experience of walking on the hills in about a foot of snow, in the sunshine. We scaled the (not very high) heights of Mam Tor and were rewarded with absolutely beautiful views of the surrounding hills and dales, also shrouded in snow.

One of our group was 24 or so weeks pregnant and inspired me to strive also to be climbing hills, negotiating stiles and walking 6 miles with ease when I'm like a Weeble, possibly wobbling but definitely not falling down.

if you don't want them to have braces...

2004-11-18T19:52:00.000Z

...give them the breast. That's according to this item from the BBC site.

Week 9 - how does my baby grow?

2004-11-18T08:44:00.000Z

You'll be glad to hear that he is apparently becoming more recognisably human. Let's hope so, eh? Kittens are nice but I really don't think that fur and whiskers would be helpful. He's getting hair follicles, elbows, eyelids and pupils and the first nerve connections between his eyes and his brain this week, apparently. He'll also be practising moving his body and arms and legs about now too.

Also, did you know that by the end of nine months, I'll have 50% more blood washing around in me? Makes me feel quite faint to think about it.

How freaky is all this?

good things about being pregnant - No 2

2004-11-18T08:04:00.000Z

I can go to bed before 10pm, sometimes before 9pm, read a book for a bit, and fall asleep without feeling guilty for being a sad bastard.

At this rate it may take me the full 9 months to finish the 800 page monster, Quicksilver by Neal Stephenson, that I'm reading at the moment. Not to mention the remainder of the similarly proportioned trilogy.

In the morning I feel awake and alert at about 7am. This kind of body clocking I like!

cutting down on tuna

2004-11-17T10:02:00.000Z

The high level of mercury routinely found in fish is just one of the little gifts to the environment of our good old-fashioned coal-fired power stations and other polluting industrial processes. When coal burns it produces mercury as a gas. As this gas cools, it forms into droplets in the air which can travel hundreds of miles from the original source, eventually settling into the sediment of our rivers and seas. The bacteria in the sediment have a handy solution to the problem - they turn the mercury into methyl mercury which is less toxic to them. Methyl mercury is, however, fat soluble - with the result that animals consuming it find it harder to excrete, since it is stored in lipid and muscle tissue. Worms and insect larvae eat the contaminated sediment. They're eaten by slightly larger creatures, who are in turn eaten by other larger creatures - all the way up the food chain to us. The higher you go in the chain, the more mercury there will be as the more creatures storing methyl mercury will have been eaten on the way up.

Which means that there are the highest concentrations of mercury in the big fish like shark, swordfish, marlin - and tuna.

Why is this a problem? Well, we have known that mercury is not good for us for a long time. A recent study published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggested that high mercury levels could contribute to increased risks of heart attack. And there is also good evidence that raised mercury levels can pose a risk to the developing nervous system of an unborn child. Much of this evidence comes from studies carried out in the aftermath of tragic 'accidents'. In the 1950s large amounts of mercury were released into the sea in Minamata Bay in Japan. Studies in 1994 showed that many children whose mothers had eaten fish caught in the bay while pregnant displayed similar symptoms and research suggested this to be the result of high mercury levels. These symptoms included uncoordinated movements, seizures, abnormal reflexes and speech defects. Another incident in Iraq in 1971-2 resulted in wheat seeds intended for planting - and which had been treated with a fungicide containing mercury - being used to make bread. Hundreds were hospitalised and died. Further evidence from the Faroe Islands also suggested cause for concern. While a follow-up study in the Seychelles seemed to cast some doubt on previous studies, it is suspected that differences in diet or ethnic variations may have been influential in affecting the results.

So what should we do? Well, the Food Standards Agency advises pregnant women not to eat the larger fish such as marlin, shark or swordfish at all. It also suggests that we should cut down on tuna, including canned tuna - eating no more than two medium sized cans or one tuna steak per week. Greenpeace in the US further urges people to avoid or eat many other kinds of fish only in moderation - whether or not they're pregnant. Types to avoid on this list include sea bass, lobster and halibut. Which is a bummer because all three are very nice.

There are, of course, many other kinds of fish which are largely 'safe' to eat - and good for you. Anchovies - for example. Hurrah! Anchovies for lunch it is then.

unfeasibly hungry

2004-11-16T10:01:00.000Z

Just the idea of cream cheese on a Ryvita is making me salivate right now. And yes, I do still feel slightly nauseous, but - it goes away if I eat something.

Hmmm. I could be the size of a house by Christmas at this rate.

telling my mum

2004-11-16T08:12:00.000Z

My mother has dementia. I know that if she was well, she'd be very happy, in a quiet way, to hear I was pregnant. I'd have told her by now. I have little idealised dreams about sitting at the kitchen table with her remembering what it was like to be pregnant with me and swapping hopes and fears. We were just beginning to have that kind of relationship with each other before she started to get ill.

The reality will be somewhat different. If I'm lucky I will find a little window of lucidity into which I can pop my news. She will smile and comment and then forget almost instantly. The more likely scenario is that I tell her I'm pregnant and the news will blow across the room like tumbleweed without her registering it at all. She will respond by talking 'nonsense' while I fight back the tears.

I think perhaps the easiest way will be not to tell her. If she notices something's up over the next 7 months, then that will be just fine.

Still, I can't help feeling resentful - and sad - about it.

cost of baby

2004-11-15T09:16:00.000Z

Two articles from The Guardian recently highlighted the financial burden that children can put on a family. Yes, I know, I should read some other newspaper...

This one discusses the scarring effect on women's wages of taking time off to have a baby. You could be £10,000 worse off by the time you retire apparently. This doesn't particularly worry me as I fear that the scar tissue I have already created on my career and earning prospects through indecision will be far more prominent.

Also, cost of baby surveys say that caring for a child for 18 years will cost anywhere between £50,000 and £140,000 (and that's not including education apparently). £3,600 in the first year. I take these figures with a pinch of salt. Maybe I'm a skinflint, but I tell you, no child of mine is going to have that much money spent on it. To bastardise a joke I heard Jeremy Hardy tell once, how would we keep up our wine and holiday habits if we spent that much on the kids?

good things about being pregnant - No 1

2004-11-13T08:07:00.000Z

The first in an occasional series, in case it should seem that I worry too much...

I'm pregnant! How wonderful is that? I'm growing another human being and - in the words of that bloke off The Fast Show - it's BRILLIANT!

Men are so unlucky that they don't get to experience this because really, it's a most extraordinary and interesting thing. (This is a post about good things, so I'm going to pass over the pain and discomfort associated with actually giving birth. Nuff said.) It's kind of what our bodies are for. This doesn't make it any more important than any of the myriad of other amazing things women and men do with their minds and bodies. It's just that being pregnant takes you under the skin of modern living to something utterly ancient. Sounds hokey? Well it is - and I love it.

Week 8 and all its glories

2004-11-12T09:36:00.000Z

Expecting tells me that in Week 8 the small bean inside me has reached yet another critical stage. Hmmm, I'm guessing that pretty much everything for the first 12 weeks or so is critical.

On the subject of which, husband and I were saying the other day what a good thing it was that I'm not actually responsible for remembering which bit to grow when. Can you imagine? Week 24 and I wake up thinking 'bugger, I forgot to grow a pancreas. Hell, what is a pancreas?'

Anyway, critical stage - major organs forming. Body getting longer and straightening out. Hands now clearly distinguishable, apparently - although fingers and toes may still be webbed. (Little prayer to the baby god - please don't leave them that way - I remember a kid being mercilessly teased in PE lessons because he had webbed feet. Webby we called him, with a stroke of adolescent genius.) This week she's also getting eyelid folds and external ears. I wonder when I should start playing her Mozart/Miles Davis/Massive Attack?

psychological queasiness and other paranoia

2004-11-12T07:58:00.000Z

Oh yes, it's definitely struck. Before I just thought I felt nauseous, now I really really do. Started (text book, apparently) about half way through Week 7 - that is, last Saturday - and has been getting more assertive throughout the week. Now if I wake up in the night I feel sick. Although, frustratingly, I don't feel I'm ever actually going to be sick.

Part of me is convinced that nausea (and most of my other symptoms too), are entirely psychological and that I can beat it just by thinking or not thinking about it. We'll see how that goes then.

However, from this morning's breakfast I can tell you that the real and physical presence of fruit juice is definitely not a good thing.

Other than that - what are the symptoms - some tenderness in my abdomen (although it's always on the left hand side - slightly worrying? - shouldn't it be in the middle? - what do I know?) And, hurrah, Babycentre says abdominal pain is quite normal. Uterus growing, well, of course. I'm still making frequent trips to the loo, but I'm convinced that's more to do with the unfeasible amount of water I'm drinking than anything else. Still exhausted, but that's probably just extreme laziness. I'm having a nap in the middle of the day now if I can and going to bed before 10pm every night.

Logically, of course, this is all a huge flashing beacon indicating that I'm pregnant. I said in a previous post that I was convinced that pregnant women talk about their symptoms so much early on to convince themselves that they are really pregnant. Each one builds a little more confidence. This is because, as another pregnant friend of mine has said, there's still a nagging paranoia that none of it's real. I fear that when I go for my scan in 2 weeks time, they'll arrest me for wasting hospital time.

Ah yes, that's the other news. Got a date for the dating scan yesterday. 25th November. Seriously, I can't wait. Fingers crossed about the arresting bit.

on when to wean and ignoring advice

2004-11-11T13:34:00.000Z

I found this article on The Guardian website and being newly interested in all things baby, I found it quite interesting. Now I can't pretend that I've even considered the time at when it was right to wean a baby before. I vaguely thought it to be around 6 months anyway - or something to do with when the first teeth come through, perhaps.

Anyway, it seems that the WHO advice is that breastfeeding alone until 6 months and then continuing breast and solid food for as long as is palatable, is the best way to safeguard the future health of baby. So, the government has issued this as advice. Trouble is that most midwives advise differently, and anyway, only 1 in 5 babies are apparently breastfed at all. Which leaves mothers wallowing in a sea of mixed messages.

And on the subject of advice and how on earth mothers are supposed to know what's best - we are being warned that following currently fashionable advice to ignore children's crying can cause lifelong damage to their developing brains.

Aaaarghhh! I can see that the hard part of life is just beginning.

ultrasound

2004-11-10T10:00:00.000Z

I've trawled the Web, and - as ever - there's a lot out there. So, ultrasound scans...

Ultrasound is used to do a hundred different diagnostic things and it isn't just a chance for us to get an early photo.

The general concensus is that there is no significant evidence to suggest that ultrasound scans are harmful to the baby. Which doesn't mean that they are completely safe, of course, it just means that, after 30 or so years of experiment, no one has found a great deal of evidence to suggest that they aren't.

Studies have largely concentrated on 5 things - suggestions that ultrasound scans may cause: childhood cancer, dyslexia, slow speech development, left-handedness and reduced birth weight. Studies on the link between childhood cancer and ultrasound showed no correlation between the two, but these were done 25 years ago and the data may need refreshing.

Some studies have come up with slight positive statistical correlations between all of the other four possible effects and the use of ultrasound in pregnancy. However, other larger and more accurate studies have generally corrected these results to show no link. The effect that comes out as being most likely is left-handedness.

There do appear to be some concerns about the use of pulsed Doppler ultrasound (apparently now most often used to check for heart defects as well as fetal heart beat) in the first trimester. There are particular concerns about its thermal effects. A recent paper, based on computer modelling of the effects of ultrasound scans on an embryo at age 7 or 8 weeks, suggests that the heat effects might be harmful at this very crucial stage of development.

I've thought about it, and I don't think there's any reason to be put off having an ultrasound scan - millions of women have them and go on to have normal, healthy babies. However, it does suggest that scans should not be given out like Smarties to us when we want the comfort of seeing our babies on screen. As with anything that we do to our bodies when we are pregnant, we should treat them with caution.

friends' babies

2004-11-08T08:11:00.000Z

We spent yesterday with two couples who each have a 14 month old baby boy. And blimey, do they take up a lot of time and attention? There are a few glorious hours in the afternoon when they have a nap, but the rest of the time is all activity all of the time. Two very nice children, needless to say - but still, I fear for my sanity. Why would I knowingly get into this? Something else has taken control of me, and I'm not sure I like it...

Still, I took the opportunity to eye up the gear and little Rowan has a very nice backpack to go out in, which I covet and shall be finding out the details of a bit later on.

what I'm expecting in Week 7

2004-11-06T08:44:00.000Z

I've already read my pregnancy book - Expecting by Anna McGrail and Daphne Metland - from cover to cover. And I can officially report - it's all amazing.

It's a good book, by the way. Detailed, practical and informative without being frightening or gushy. It's written specifically for a British audience, so the information is tailored to the system in this country rather than some sort of mid-Atlantic wish-fulfilment world.

Anyway. Guess what? My baby has a head now, and the beginnings of eyes and ears. If we could look at him, we could even see the pigment in his retinas. He's got rudimentary kidneys, lungs, intestines and pancreas and his nerves and muscles are starting to join up together. The tissue that will make his vertebrae and other bones is beginning to form. And his arm buds are going to grow longer this week and divide into arms and hands!

He's about the size of a pea and his heart has divided into two chambers and is beating away (I hope - oh I really hope it is - go on beating little thing). Of course, he isn't getting oxygen through his lungs yet, and he won't do until he's born - so there's a gap between the two sides of his heart to let blood pass from one to the other, bypassing the lungs.

And, oh scary moments, his brain will develop into two areas this week - right and left hemispheres. What kind of things is that brain going to think in his lifetime? Incomprehensible and wonderful.

I couldn't be more impressed with him so far.

me and my father

2004-11-06T08:15:00.000Z

me and Dad

It's two years today since my Dad died and it's a cold damp November day - as it was then.

He asked me once whether he'd been a good father - I told him he had - the only possible father I could have wanted. He'd have been a good grandfather too. I'm sorry my little one will never meet him.

bad memories of baby-sitting

2004-11-04T08:10:00.000Z

When I look at children now - not babies but young children of about 6-10 - I get a little prickle of worry and apprehension. Babies still make me go aaah - by god those hormones are good. But kids - I really don't know that I want a kid. I think one of the problems is that I don't actually know many of them very well.

I do have bad memories of baby-sitting when I was 16. There was one little shit (boy, was he ever headed for a career in law or the City) who threatened to make his brother have a fit if I wouldn't let him stay up.

Still, they do say 'getting used to it' is one of the blessings of the whole darned thing taking 9 months.

the Shrub will win

2004-11-03T07:29:00.000Z

Still early to tell yet, but the signs are that he has has won. Not that I think Kerry would have made a huge difference, but - maybe... He screwed up, I think.

I'm going to bring a child up in a country where the political system has been deeply compromised by presidential style leadership, spin and the media. Because of ancient rivalries and largely misplaced feelings of nationalism, we refuse to ally ourselves clearly with our fellow Europeans. We therefore have little option but to toady to the world's greatest power, and that power handles its strength like an under-educated teenager.

Hmmm.

Here's what one Salon writer suggested would happen in just this eventuality. Just sit through the advert will you? I'd like to see a civil war over there, I really would.

I like to know

2004-11-02T14:28:00.000Z

The NHS doesn't offer a scan here in my area until 15-17 weeks, unless you need a dating scan. You can also choose to have the blood tests for Down's syndrome then. Before that, you have just the usual battery of blood tests and examinations from the midwife at your booking-in appointment.

My doctor (remind me to write an entry about how annoying my first appointment with him was) muttered something to me about the Nuchal Translucency Scan, and wrote it down on a post-it note for me (spelling it wrong). I didn't like to tell him that being an information fiend, I'd already seen the name on the web, although I'd not read all about it yet.

He told me that he wasn't an expert, but that the scan could be done a couple of weeks earlier than the other AFP screening, and that it might also be able to check for foetal heart defects. Interesting because I was born with a congenital heart defect which spontaneously healed. However, I found, checking for info later - that he was talking bollocks about the date and possibly bollocks about the heart thing. The only accurate thing about his statement was that he wasn't an expert. Grrrr. Nuchal scans have to be done between 11-14 weeks. Thank god that I can read and research my own life!

I rang the midwife today to check how I was supposed to date accurately with the scan in mind when I know my cycles are long and slightly unpredictable. And, bingo, she's booking me in for an early dating scan. Don't know when as yet.

I still haven't finally made the decision about whether to have the Nuchal scan (or OSCAR - they do the scan with blood tests to make it more accurate) or not. Although, on balance, I think probably yes.

Now I'm off to find out about the effects of ultrasound scans on the foetus. Will update when and if I find out more! Do I sound like a worrier? I like to think that I just like to know...

good old Marks

2004-11-02T11:57:00.000Z

For when you've no imagination, there's Marks & Spencers...

Apparently, your breasts can get up to 1.5lbs heavier when you're pregnant. Whoof. With that in mind, I decided it was time today to put away the pre-maternity bras and get into something a bit more comfortable. So, anyway, this list from babyworld about the necessary support seemed to cover all the relevant bases.

No time and not much money, so M&S it was. And, you know, knock 'em all you like - and we do like to do that these days - they do have some serviceable, even semi-attractive options for gals with a bun in the proverbial.

To whit: this standard cotton number which comes in a pack of two costing £20. Or this prettier option for £18.

Oh, and the nice lady who fitted me, told me to try one size bigger than usual (both cup and underbust) to give room for expansion...

Enough. How mundane is this post?

not common knowledge yet

2004-11-01T07:31:00.001Z

I haven't told anyone apart from my husband and my doctor and this blog that I'm pregnant yet.

So, when is the right time to tell people? I'm a little bewildered. I had always accepted the fact that I would just leave it until 12 weeks to tell people, and that it wouldn't be a problem. It will be quite nice having a secret after all, I thought.

Turns out, I don't like having this secret very much. Aside from the social difficulties involved in suddenly saying no to alcohol - I desperately want to tell people, and particularly my friends who are already parents or pregnant. I'm happy and excited, and full of questions and brimming with new insight into a side of the world that I want to share. Just like any other newly pregnant woman.

So, why am I not telling those people who are most important to me straight away? Of course, it's just in case 'something goes wrong'? It's fear, plain and simple - what isn't these days? But, so what if something does go wrong? The people who are important to me will be the ones to support me, pull me through and not make judgements.

When I saw the doctor last week, he said:"I wouldn't go telling all your friends yet, because you know, one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage before the 12th week." I had heard that joyful little statistic before (although I didn't know it before I got pregnant) but him putting the connection so clearly between it and not telling people, well, I suppose, it shocked me. And eventually got me thinking a little more clearly.

Obviously if 'something goes wrong' it will be emotionally painful, and probably more painful the more times you have to break the news to people. Certainly it makes sense not to broadcast the news to all and sundry until a little later on. (Apart from anything else - many people will, frankly, not be particularly interested.)

But, could it be that the world around us is too ready to attach an element of shame to 'something going wrong? Everything you read about pregnancy is tightly focused on doing things right - the implication being that if you do things right, you can avoid them going wrong. Well, unless you go sky-diving or take up kick boxing in pregnancy - this just isn't the way it works. Most miscarriages happen because they're going to happen anyway - not because you had a glass of wine or didn't eat your greens.

Most women naturally feel proud of being pregnant; of course, we do, our genes depend on us feeling that way, so that we will encourage the next generation to do the same. I'm guessing, therefore, that we also easily and naturally associate feelings of shame and guilt with not being pregnant - it would make sound evolutionary sense to do so. So, is that partly why we are encouraged not to broadcast the news of early pregnancy? Is it part of a conspiracy of silence, designed to keep us feeling guilty and ashamed should we commit the essentially un-womanly sin of 'failing' at pregnancy?

Wow. Well if it is, I feel uneasy about making concessions to emotions like fear, guilt or shame. However, I'm not going to go mad. I will tell some good friends this week and my mother-in-law when she comes back from holiday in a couple of weeks time - the rest of my world will wait until 12 weeks. When the miscarriage rate goes up to one in 10.

today I don't feel pregnant

2004-10-31T12:08:00.000Z

That's right, no nausea, no pains, no soreness. It's worrying. I think that's one of the reasons that pregnant women like to talk about the symptoms - it's because they are a reassurance that, yes, you are pregnant, everything's ok. Who'd of thunk that I'd be wanting to feel sick?

dates and details

2004-10-31T11:48:00.000Z

If you're pregnant yourself, or have been pregnant, the chances are that you might be obsessed (strike that, I mean 'interested' of course) with pregnancy dates and details. I'll do my best to provide. But remember, I'm new to this - I'm learning on the job - which is partly why I've decided to keep this blog. The other is that it gives me a chance to vent those thoughts, obsessions and plain stupid ideas that are already crowding in to my head.

The dates first. I am, apparently, according to my doctor, about to start my 8th week. For the uninitiated, which I was, doctors date pregnancy from the first day of your last period. This doesn't work if your cycle is irregular or much shorter or longer than 28 days. Mine is, longer, that is. So, I'm telling myself that I'm in my 6th week. The doctor did a little bit of calculation and gave my estimated due date as 1st July 2004. Again, I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.

Symptoms? Well, a positive home pregnancy test - 2 in fact, 10 days ago. Period-pain like pains without the usual accompaniment. Frequent trips to the loo. Sore boobs. Slight nausea, but no impressive projectile vomiting. Slightly more hungry than usual. Yadda, yadda. Not too impressive really, but definitely pregnant.

look away now

2004-10-31T11:46:00.000Z

Warning. This blog is likely to be about being pregnant. More specifically, about me being pregnant. If this doesn't interest you - and, to be fair, it didn't interest me until a very short while ago - then you may want to look away now.